Lamentations of Recovery
I woke up…that should be the profound, the revelation, the line that is the most beautifully rendered, the centrepiece but oftentimes it’s not, it always follows with some sort of achievement or lack thereof. Already the day starts with a burden of having met a certain expectation or not. Today was one of those days I did not meet my expectation but felt drained by my attempts to squeeze myself into this idea of what success should look like and today I have chosen self over everything else.
As I was listening to a podcast on creativity and how age shouldn’t be a limiting factor to success in a creative field, about to snip the corner off my bag of coffee God whispered: “I just want to spend time with you, it’s not about what you think I expect, I just want to spend time with you because I love you.” Immediately the now much shrunken perfectionist within glitches and just at the sound of His whisper is utterly silenced, and vulnerability returns in a wave of emotion and tears, the realization hugs me in the most gentle and affirming way.
My expectations of what I think God desires from me daily builds walls of separation too high to scale over. His presence is where I awake to possibility, to creativity, to joy, to peace…to freedom. My ungodly expectations and beliefs anchor me. Ideas, perceptions, assumptions…like the wall of Jericho need to fall. Slice every fatty piece of religion from my bones. Drain all my self-imposed expectations. Breathe into every sallow and degenerate part of my body. Command your light to pervade every ill and dark crevice and corner of me.
Suffering has been a theme of my past season even within my church’s teaching right now. I understand that in a world of “manifest-it-prosperity-gospel” the teaching of suffering is necessary, it’s biblical. The general message when suffering gets taught is that Christ suffered most and knows suffering more intimately than we ever could and our suffering is worth He who is, He who was and He who will be. I am not at odds with this, I wholeheartedly agree but my thoughts lead to whether we can make suffering for Christ or in general an idol? Does suffering become a badge of honour in our walk of faith? What about the ecstasy Paul talks about? Leaning into either one too much can be detrimental to our walk. The most persecuted disciple talks about ecstasy as well as suffering. I could not digest the talk of joy and the ecstasy Paul speaks of when found deep in the throes of my suffering even though during glimpses of relief - I experienced it.
I’ve known Him to be a God of awe, power, holiness, ecstasy and everything else that would take several immortal lifetimes to explore. Have we become lost in the idolatry and worship of suffering? The more I suffer, the greater my testimony? The more I suffer, the more I am valued. Maybe it’s just me but when I’m in the depth of my suffering I don’t care about being a vessel neither do I care about the testimony, I just want the pain removed. My thoughts do not lead with bearing fruit and the ability to minister to others, I often distract myself and even dare I say have contemplation’s of leaving the narrow road.
In these contemplation’s there are truths cemented within my foundation I cannot purge even if the urge arised. I know the One who redeemed me exists, it cannot be undone. Another fundamental undeniably fixed within is there is no other way to the Father except through His Son, Jesus. I would wander this Earth like Cain knowing God but not being under the shadow of His wing. No home and no Hope. Pain can sometimes blur that line where wandering looks like an oasis instead of a desert. Pain has achieved mastery in warping reality, distorting the truth because it is felt and not thought. It bubbles like a broth in your bones; slow and steady, changing the colour of your view. How is pain walked through when in hot fury I am temporarily blind. How is it surrendered when the dull ache never shows signs of leaving.
God saw me, God heard me and then God spoke, my suffering results in blessing, the kingdom of heaven is mine, I will be comforted by the One who breathed the world into existence, I will be filled by the One that hung the stars in the sky, I will be shown mercy by the One who hung and bled for me, I will inherit the earth, the King of Glory calls me His own. God saw me, He validated me, He delivered me but He also left some enemies in the land to stretch me.